From Paris with Sorrow

For some inexplicable reason, having watched the movie, From Paris with Love, is one of those memories that stayed with me. I have this vivid image of going to the Dolphin Mall in Miami with my cousin Gary, walking to the ticket booth with my Ecuadorian ID and he convincing the attendant that “Republica del Ecuador” was the name of some foreign school and that I qualified to get the student discount. Yes, for some inexplicable reason, we happened to get the one ticket attendant that did not speak nor read Spanish in all of El Doral and well, if you know my cousin Gary, you know that he could sell an ice cube to an Eskimo and make them sign up for a monthly membership of “Ice R Us.”

That was eight years ago! I had just moved to the USA and I was hopeful that leaving Ecuador would mean leaving all my demons behind. I’ll get back to this one…

That was eight years ago and Gary was laughing and asking, “Why would you not eat rice, but you eat checkers?” I had just entered this phase in my life where I thought that not eating rice was the remedy for weight loss. However, saying yes to a midnight run to checkers was perfectly acceptable because… well, checker’s fries are legitimately good. That was eight years ago and Gary was making fun of me because I was terrified of driving. However, in the midst of his laughs, he was still the one driving and taking us to checkers. That was eight years ago and I was terrified of accepting I was gay because I feared everybody would turn on me. Eight years later, through what has now become an unplanned coming out event, Gary is stepping out of his comfort zone to still ask questions and laugh, but this time to defend me and speak his mind. This is relevant because the amount of love and support I have received from my family after I posted a picture of my first Pride ever, even though I assumed everybody already knew I was gay and that photo was not meant to be a, “Hey, I am out!” announcement, should overwhelm me with happiness and joy. The way they tell me how proud they are and how strong I am should make me feel ecstatic, but I only feel like I still need to do more. You see, even though both of these things happened eight years apart, there is one variable that has remained constant, the overthinking mind that tells me, “you are not enough and you are not doing enough.”

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my emotions. People always comment on my big heart and my caretaker personality, and the truth is, I love those traits about myself. I love to be there for my friends. I love that when people describe me, they use the words “big heart.” But, the truth is that having a “big heart” also means being a big worrier.

This past January, my dear friend Haley and I got in a dance studio and we made art. When she asked me what I wanted to call the piece, the first thing that came to my mind was, “with the heart on the sleeve.” Honestly, I feel that title is what perfectly describes the way I have felt my entire life. According to Google, overthinking is a sign of depression. I have never been diagnosed, but thinking back to my many times of sorrow, I guess it makes sense. I have been Wikipidially diagnosed with a mild depression my entire life. I often feel like I am trapped inside a dark room, that everything is heavy and that all the things that should fill me with joy simply don’t. I feel no matter how much I do, there is always more that should be done, and therefore it is really hard for me to find fulfillment. I am not writing this as a cry for help. Trust me, I have learned how far I can push myself before I need to ask for help (thank you mom, for all those tearful midnight phone calls). I am writing this because I know I am not the only one out there that feels this way. Because I think the world has more overthinkers out there than they care to admit and this is my way of saying, you are not alone. This is my way of saying, this is how we feel, it is not perfect and it is not pretty, but it is whom we are.

I am the guy that cries when Mufasa dies, even though I have seen the movie a million times. I am the guy that gets knots in his stomach when Ross and Rachel break up even though I know they are going to end up together. I am the guy that does LSAT exercises online and starts planning for law school when he reads about all the immigration injustices that are happening in the USA. I am the guy that will work really hard to not get mad at anybody because he prefers to hurt rather than hurt others. I am the guy that spends hours looking for a song that best describes the way he feels and listens to it on repeat hoping that the entire world around him will break out into song and dance. I am the guy that believes life is a romantic comedy and that people are blinded by stress that they do not realize all the meet-cute moments they experience every day. I am the helpless romantic guy… and that means I am the guy that is often anxious and overthinking about everything around him.

Let’s put it this way. If we are really good friends and you have ever gotten a gift from me; know that I spent between one to two months overthinking about it. Replaying every single one our conversations in my head, imagining what would the perfect gift look like. I annoyed my sisters (bless their patience) with overly detailed explanations about it and I asked a minimum of ten times, “but, what do you really think?" I explained to them why the gift is important and how does it relate to us. Know that if you ever needed something and I was in the middle of something and could not help you, I stopped what I was doing to look and think of 3 to 4 different ways that I could help since I could not meet you or do it for you. Know that if you asked me how I was doing and I was not doing okay, I probably still said I was doing fine because I did not want to bother you with my insecurities and my doubts. Know that if I have ever asked for your advice, I have held it close to my heart, but I probably did not fully follow it because I told myself that I was going to screw up anyway and I did not want to disappoint you. That is the type of guy I am.

If you date me, know that at some point you will walk into a room full of flowers with some cheesy, loving words written around the room. Know that you will get candlelight dinners, strolls at night under the moonlight, breakfasts in bed, sunsets, and sunrises while we hold hands and slow dancing sessions in the privacy of our company. Know that if I travel without you, you will get handwritten postcards because I still do not understand why people stopped handwriting stuff. Know that I will complain, at least twice a year about not getting a Hogwarts letter. Know that I will make a lot of Harry Potter references and that we will watch the movies together, a lot. Know that you will get random texts with loving, gross, cute words on them. Know that I will talk about my feelings, a lot, and I will tell you often how much you mean to me.

But, also know that I will overthink 40 to 60 percent of all the texts or things that you say to me. Know that there will be a lot of days where I will ask you if you are happy? Or what else can I do to make you happy? Know that sometimes I will be needy and ask you to tell me how much I mean to you. Know that sometimes I will ask for hugs and will not want to let go. Know that, even though I am working really hard at stopping this, I will sometimes speak for you not because I am disrespecting you, but because as an overthinker, I tend to believe that if I hear certain things, I can quiet that little voice of doubt that tells me, “you are not enough.” Know that there will be days when my insecurities will come afloat, and I will act super weird and take it out on you, not because I think this is fair and you are my punching bag, but because subconsciously I rather it be me the one that sabotages something, because I rather be mad at myself than be mad at you… because I rather blame myself than blame you. Know that I will not make decisions for you. I will not tell you that I am not enough for you or tell you that you deserve better because you know your value, those are your decisions to make, and it is not up to me to convince you of what you do and do not deserve. However, know that the thoughts of me not being enough for you will come up and they will manifest in stupid actions that the only thing they will accomplish is putting a lot of pressure on both you and me. Know that those are not my intentions; it is simply my overthinking head and doubts telling me that if I do not do those things, I will lose. That is the type of guy I am.

I guess I am writing this because it is easier to sit in front of a computer screen and write about the good times. But, isn’t it also necessary to write about the raw emotions of the heart? To write about those painful scars, which follow you no matter where you go just to manifest in your life as the so call baggage? Is it really fair to be content all the time?

Oh, by the way, eight years ago me, I wish I could tell you this now and save you a ton of lonely crying nights in your room; even though you will need those and they will not be the last ones. You will not outrun your demons; you will simply learn to live with them. You will grow to become a big-hearted, kind guy and you will do a lot of bad things, but that does not mean you are a bad person, so stop putting so much pressure on you (I know you will continue to do it, but I have to believe that someday you’ll finally stop.) You will learn that there are people and things in your life that starve those demons, that quiets them down and makes it feel like they are gone, even though you can still hear them whispering softly in the depth of your brain. You will learn that there will be “demons day” where Netflix and potato chips will be the only thing that barely gets you through the day. You will learn that those demons are part of you, just like your virtues, and as ugly as those demons are, they are part of making the beautiful person that you are. You will learn that you will continue to over think about everything, but you will learn to control it, and there will be days where you simply will not be able to do so. You will learn that no matter how hard you try to not fantasize about romance, there will be flowers to buy, moonlights to walk under, sunrises and sunsets to watch, and songs to dance to. You will learn that some questions do not have answers. But most importantly, you will learn that there will be a time where you will be deep into these feelings of sorrow, and no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get away from them. You will stay there, for a while, but you will learn that you must have done something right, because there will be people in your life that will come and lift you up, giving you small glimpses of air as you navigate the journey of stepping out of the darkness.

To those that feel, or have felt this way, let’s have a digital coffee. We’ll set up a Skype date, I’ll make my café crème on my side of the screen and you’ll make your drink on the side of yours and we’ll talk about whatever is happening for us that day… Because, as you all probably know, sometimes it does not matter how much you talk about it, the feelings simply do not go away, so all you want to do is talk about anything else. So as we navigate and look for a way to deal with it, let’s be each other’s glimpses of air. Let’s be each other’s 5 minutes of laughs. Let’s be each other’s cousin Gary. The one that will use his skills to find a way to benefit you, the one that will laugh at your quirks and make fun of your dumb fears but will still support you. But most importantly, the one that, when the time comes, will not treat you any differently no matter what you are going through and will not think twice to put himself out there to defend you.