DEFINING YOUR BELIEFS – A CYCLICAL AWAKENING EXPERIENCE
I confess I have struggled as I try to come up with “material” for this reflection essay. I looked back into the series of questions we were asked before starting the YTT-200hrs program, as there is a question that has been in my mind that was not included in the questionnaire, instead, the final question was, “Why do you want to take this teacher training course?” However, I have been wondering how would I have answered if the question that has been in mind was included, “Do you think you are ready to submerge into a deeper study of Yoga?”
I cannot say exactly what my answer to this question would have been, but knowing myself it would have gone something like this, “Being ready is a subjective state of mind that can be misunderstood or misinterpreted. At the end of the day, I believe that thinking whether you are ready or not is a mental projection of the fear of failure. Therefore, the answer is, people are always ready, all they need to do is accept that failure is inevitable just as success is achievable.” However, as I have gone through this training my answer has gotten much simpler, “perhaps I was not ready to do this YTT…”
In one of the last conversations with my sister Lorraine before leaving Florida back in January she asked, “what do you believe in now?” During my last years of High School, I devoted my life to an Evangelical church around 20 miles away from our home. I was captivated one night at a youth service by a theatrical performance regarding the “sinful” activities adolescents undergo as they grow into adulthood. After that, my transition into “The Lord” was almost immediate. I write “The Lord” in quotations because I now understand that my devotion to the church was driven by my broken soul and spirit. I craved the answers of existence, peace, and love and at that time, it seemed like this place was able to give them to me. So, the quotations are a mere testament that I now understand “The Lord” is not someone or somewhere, and not because I am trying to be offensive in any way. My devotion stimulated my sister to get involved in the church as well, and although the memories at this place were mostly okay, I always felt a disconnection from their beliefs, their preaching, and most importantly, their practice. This background information is relevant to understand what my sister was trying to get to by asking, “what do you believe in now?”
Our conversation was rewarded by our destination being the superstore, Target (the one that has the Starbucks inside of it,) and although her answer was more concrete and thorough, my incomplete, “I am not sure I can fulfill your expectation of an answer to that question, but this is what I believe in…” seemed to suffice at the time. She does not know this, but she opened a door I had worked really hard to keep close, “WHAT DO I BELIEVE IN NOW?”
The continuation of my answer was, “…I believe in Love. I believe in Light, Peace, and Karma. I believe in the Universe, Mother Earth, and the energy that surrounds us. I believe in the inexplicable, as I believe there is a Higher Power that manifests differently for everybody.” But, how could I define these beliefs? As I entered my journey into Yoga in 2017, I embodied a self-study engagement through the first limb of Yoga, the Yamas[1]. It was successful; I made peace with my broken spirit and started to take care of my spiritual health once again. The attention to my spiritual health had been broken by religion, but through Yoga, I found a “Spiritual Hospital.” However, as a new opportunity to nurture my spiritual health arose, a new chain of questions surfaced. I will start with a simple one. A question you would think I had taken the time to answer, as its subject had a major impact in my life, “What is Yoga? – Yoga is Union.” As part of our YTT-200hrs, we were fortunate enough to have had the presence of three experts visiting teachers in three different areas, Ayurveda, Pre-Natal Yoga and the one that this paper is about, The Origins and Evolution of Yoga/Sanskrit Workshop.
Before Ram Vakkalanka’s two-day, mind-blowing experience, I had been questioning whether I was ready to submerge myself into a deeper understanding of Yoga and whether partaking in a 200hr training was the best decision for me. As a dancer, you hear a lot of professionals say, “if you are not questioning, or doubting, the career, you are doing it wrong,” so at some point I thought the same with Yoga. Yet, that was not the case. I started to doze off. I stopped meditating, journaling, and practicing at home. I started going to my weekly class just to check off the requirement on the report card. I had entered the sad and familiar vortex of routine and I had closed my mind to the opportunity to learn. Perhaps this was because my motivations at the beginning of the training were not crystal clear, or perhaps it was because I had Ahamkara[2]-tistically placed myself into a realm of stubbornness. Regardless of the reason, learning about the Origins and Evolution of Yoga took me out of that realm and vortex.
Ram’s teaching challenged every question I had posed myself. His expertise was as engaging as his ability to remember dates and facts. His storytelling skills were as superb as his homemade vegan rice. But most importantly, his knowledge of the subject matter, as to be able to deliver it as pure material, rather than persuasive and/or intimidating information, was motivating. His teaching went from defining Yoga (union) to graphically and comically explaining the story of the Mahabharata.[3] I left his presence aware of my filled and challenged mind, but unaware of my reawakened spirit.
Although there are things he spoke about I am not sure I agree with or not, I do agree that the echoing of his teachings awoke something inside me that had been asleep since the beginning of the YTT. I will start with the most controversial one, religion/dogma vs. philosophy. (Now, I do not mean to use this paper to upset/challenge anybody’s religion or belief, but to merely explain what it was that he said that brought awakening and peace to my mind.) He started by narrating the Vedic[4]origins of Yoga and how these beginnings allow for Yoga to be a philosophy rather than a religion. “There are many questions, but not just one possible answer. This is what differs philosophy from religion.” (R.V.) He supported his statement by listing the four divisions of the Vedas (Rigveda, Yajurveda, Samaveda, Atharvaveda) and later briefly speaking of some of the many schools of philosophy such as Charvaka, Shunyavada, Nastica, Samkhya, Yogic, and Vedanta. I speak of this as I had been struggling with the dogmatic elements of Yoga while I attempt to meditate. I had been questioning whether I would be subjected to the stereotypical characteristics of Yoga, as I get deeper into my training. I had been struggling to find the difference between Yoga being my own journey as opposed to my previous experience being a strongly suggested and enforced “philosophy."[5] With all these being said, I will call the first thing that Ram’s teachings awoke in my spirit anujnaa[6] aalochate.[7] “Lots of times we have thoughts but we do not necessarily think… Yoga philosophy teaches us to think.” – Ram Vakkalanka.
My second awakening is linked to questions I have asked myself, a lot, even before discovering Yoga. “Is there such as thing as fate? Or are we truly drivers of our own destiny?” Although he did not fully answer these questions, he provided me with the information for me to meditate on the answer. Which is the name I will give my second spiritual awakening, avasarah[8] pratibhas.[9] Ram explained the three critical elements determined by Karma regarding the theory of Reincarnation; Yati, the form of life, Aju, the span of life, and Bhoga, the experience of life. However, he continued his explanation stating that life has not been pre-determine by Karma. Although Karma states that every life form must pay for their past Karma one way or another, “Karma does not pre-determine one’s life or the way one perceives his own life.” (R.V.) The existence of free-will and circumstances is very much present in one’s life as the karmic element of “fate.” Learning in more depths about Karma and how every being in the universe has an unchangeable Purusha(soul,) helped me understand that asking my questions about destiny is merely part of changing my thoughts into thinking. Although Ram’s teaching did not fully answer my questions about fate and destiny, my second awakening proved (and answered) the question I had been struggling with since the beginning of the YTT. “Yes, I do believe I am ready to submerge into a more deeper study of Yoga. I am ready to question the thoughts that are given to me. I am ready to think!”
The last awakening was a reminder of the first thing I learned when I was introduced to Yoga. This one was already named, but this is the one that helped me understand that these teachings have been inside me, yet the immersive and emerging process of the YTT had covered them. The third awakening was Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodhah.[10] Growing up my biggest fear was death. I remember being in a state of panic when the world was supposed to end because of the new millennium, the Mayan Calendar or the famous day of the beast.[11] I was afraid of death because in my mind I had created a scenario, based on information given to me, where there were flames, a non-gender specific person in red and eternal suffering. I did not have control of the mind-stuff; therefore, the mind-stuff had control over me.
As I entered a regular practice of Yoga, and as I still navigate to control the mind-stuff, I arrived at a place of acceptance where I understood that death is inevitable and a new beginning. I had gained control over my fear of death. I had gained control over the mind-stuff. However, receiving the teachings of Ram made me realize that I had let the mind-stuff run wild because I could feel how fear was slowly starting to creep into my life again. In this case, I am not talking of fear of death, but rather fear of failure and fear of saying the “wrong”[12] thing. (The last one is a big one; probably the one that I struggle with the most and why I mostly listen and not talk a lot.) I became aware of this hypocritical state of mind on which I was resting. I am not afraid of death because is inevitable; therefore, I should not be afraid of failure or saying the “wrong” thing since, these too, are inevitable. (Only this morning, in the scope of my hour and a half breakfast, I managed to say the wrong thing three times to someone I care dearly for.) Furthermore, I understood where my doubts as to whether or not I was ready to immerse myself into the YTT where coming from.
This last awakening derived from Ram’s conclusions regarding the Bhagavad Gita[13] as he listed the three stages of ignorance. This was the last of his teachings that caused the last breakthrough:
Complete lack of awareness, the one that you cannot get rid of by yourself.
Doubt, the one that goes away by thinking and repeating.
The last bit, the one that will only go away when you experience something.
Unaware at the moment I wrote these sentences down in my notebook, I had endured an awakening cycle in regards to my training. I began my Yogic path as a university student under the guidance of Michelle Jacobi at the exact same place where I experienced my new awakening. As Michelle shared with me in 2017 the philosophy of Yoga, she helped me exit out of the first stage of ignorance. As I continued to develop and deepen my practice before the beginning of the YTT, I was making my way out of the second stage. Lastly, as I decided to partake in the YTT, now thinking rather than just collecting thoughts, I was unconsciously giving myself the opportunity to experience something new; therefore, I had given myself the opportunity to exit out of the third stage. Which brings me back to the big question, "what do you believe in now?" Truth is, my beliefs have not changed. I believe in Love. I believe in Light, Peace, and Karma. I believe in the Universe, Mother Earth, and the energy that surrounds us. I believe in the inexplicable, as I believe there is a Higher Power that manifests differently for everybody. However, there is one more thing that I will add to this belief system, perhaps the simplest way I could define them. I believe in the capability each human has to pursue awareness. I believe in the opportunity of exchanging ignorance for enlightenment.
*This essay was written in partial fulfillment of the requirements of the YTT-200hrs program.
[1]Yamas: the moral, ethical and societal guidelines for the practicing yogi.
[2]Ahamkara = Ego; Thus, Egotistically.
[3]The Mahabharata is one of the two major Sanskrit epics of ancient India. Composed of 100 thousand couplets.
[4]The Vedas are the most ancient spiritual texts known to men.
[5]My sister calls them “fanatics.”
[6]Anujnaa = permission to.
[7]Aalochate = think
[8]Avasarah = Opportunity (for)
[9]Pratibhas = Answer
[10]“The restraint of the modifications of the mind-stuff is Yoga.”The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali – Translation & Commentary by Sri Swami Satchidananda (I-2)
[11]June 6th, 2006. (06.06.06)
[12]The “wrong” thing here meaning a thought that has not been completely elaborated or envisioned, therefore it gets away from you.
[13]The Bhagavad Gitais made out of 70 couplets of the Mahabharata. It encloses the teachings of Yoga through the narration of the story of prince Anjuna and Lord Krishna