Reinvention
I have not been writing lately. For some reason, the stupid thought that “I have nothing to say” has been on my mind a lot… truth be told, I regret not writing. After my life-changing experience in Paris last year, I have been trying to live my life, or better said, accept my life in a way where I do not live with regret, or rather than regret the things I have done, learn to embrace them and call them “experiences,” but this one is a big fat regret, that is for sure…
So much has happened since 2018 started and now everything is recorded in the fragility of my brain and heart. Not like a piece of paper is stronger than memories, but there is something so extraordinary about making a memory tangible into a piece of paper. With exactly 11 days left before the 3-month mark of my arrival in Paris, I have felt like I have not done enough, or that I have been wasting my time, which is the main reason why I have not been writing...
Inexplicably, I have felt like I have not done enough “exciting” things that keeping people in my life updated is not worth it. Well, mistake number one!!! I went back to thinking that the things I do have to be done for others rather than for myself. At some point, I had discovered the curative qualities of writing. Perhaps a lot of the doubts I have experienced in this past almost 3 months could have been answered if I would have written them down. Nevertheless, the past cannot be changed, but it can help change things in the present. So I am back to keeping a daily journal of my life; the things I am grateful for, the things that scared me and excite me, the things I do not understand, and the things that simply are worth mentioning, like the best hot chocolate place in Paris at Jacques Genin…
I feel disconnected, and completely out of myself. But somehow I still feel happy. Yet, I feel like lately my happiness has been derived from external sources rather than within me, but then again, happiness is not the goal, but peace, and that is something I have not felt in a while…
Today starts a new month. A day of resurrection for those I will call “believers.” Perhaps that is what April 1, 2018, will be for me. A day of new beginnings, an opportunity to come back and reconnect with me, my writing, and the things around me that bring me peace…
I imagined this scenario for today. I would jump on a train, travel 2 hours and sit next to the ocean to write this journal entry. I had imagined that I would have millions of thoughts after being inspired by the constant motion of the sea, and the inexplicable, yet charming conversation between the air and the water that compares to the vast sight of opportunity along the magnificence of an open ocean, but none of the things that I had imagined happened. On the contrary, the day was completely different than what the story in my head was; which brings me to a different point, “storytelling…”
Storytelling is the central topic of one of the reflection essays for my Yoga Teacher Training certification. And although it has not been written yet, I am already learning from it…
For now, I, once again, accept this invitation into the unknown; into the scariest, most fragile part of myself, my VULNERABILITY…
Namaste, Love, Light, and Peace
Fernando
